The Tyranny of Should
What if you stopped interpreting your life and just experienced it?
Notice how often you use that word.
"I should be further along by now."
"I should be more productive."
"I shouldn't feel this way." "
I should want this."
"I should be grateful."
Every "should" is a rejection of what is.
A judgment that this moment, this feeling, this version of you isn't right.
And you've been shoulding yourself to death.
Should is the language of expectations: yours and everyone else's.
It's how you measure yourself against an invisible standard and find yourself lacking.
It's how you turn experience into evaluation, presence into performance.
But here's what you might not realize:
The "should" isn't the truth. It's just a story. An interpretation. A label you've placed on reality.
And underneath all that shoulding, there's just... what is.
What if you stopped interpreting and started experiencing?
What "Should" Actually Is
"Should" is a word that carries the weight of external expectation.
It means: According to someone else's standard, you're not doing it right.
Sometimes that someone else is:
Your parents
Your culture
Your religion
Social media
Society's definitions of success, beauty, worth
The voice of perfectionism you internalized so young you think it's yours
Sometimes that someone else is an old version of you, the one who set goals before she knew what she actually wanted.
But rarely, very rarely, is "should" coming from your actual truth.
Most of your "shoulds" are inherited, not chosen.
Absorbed, not decided.
Performed, not felt.
The Problem With Should
Every time you should yourself, you split in two.
There's the you that is; feeling what you feel, wanting what you want, being where you are.
And there's the you that should be; the ideal, the expectation, the standard you're failing to meet.
The gap between those two is where shame lives.
Should creates:
Resistance to what is.
You can't be present with your experience if you're constantly judging it as wrong.
"I shouldn't be tired. I shouldn't be anxious. I shouldn't feel this way."
The resistance creates suffering on top of the original experience.
Disconnection from yourself.
When you override what you actually feel with what you think you should feel, you lose touch with your inner voice.
You stop trusting yourself because you've learned that what you feel isn't valid.
Chronic dissatisfaction.
Nothing is ever enough because you're always measuring against an impossible standard.
Even when something is good, there's the shadow of "it should be better."
Paralysis.
Too many shoulds and you can't move. Every choice is evaluated against what you should want, should do, should be.
The weight of it all becomes crushing.
Performance instead of authenticity.
You live your life trying to become who you should be instead of discovering who you are.
Common Shoulds (And What They Cost You)
"I should be more productive."
Cost: You never rest without guilt. You measure your worth by output. You burn out.
"I shouldn't be struggling with this."
Cost: You don't ask for help. You shame yourself for being human. You suffer alone.
"I should be over this by now."
Cost: You don't honor your actual healing timeline. You rush through grief, trauma, transformation. You deny yourself the time you actually need.
"I should want what I have."
Cost: You stay in situations that don't serve you because you think you should be grateful. You override your truth.
"I should be different."
Cost: You reject who you are. You spend your life trying to fix something that was never broken.
"I shouldn't feel this way."
Cost: You suppress emotions instead of feeling them. They get stuck. They come out sideways. They run your life from underground.
The Sister of Should: Complaint
Complaint is should's close relative.
When you complain, you're saying: This shouldn't be happening. This should be different.
Complaint is resistance dressed up as commentary.
There's a difference between:
Naming reality: "This is hard." "I'm tired." "This hurts."
Complaining: "This shouldn't be so hard." "I shouldn't be this tired." "This isn't fair."
The first acknowledges what is. The second argues with it.
When you argue with reality, you lose. Every time.
Not because you should accept everything. Not because you can't work for change.
But because complaint keeps you stuck in resistance instead of moving toward response.
The Other Sister: Labeling
Labeling is how you turn raw experience into interpreted story.
Something happens. You feel something. And immediately, your mind labels it:
Good/bad
Right/wrong
Success/failure
Should be/shouldn't be
But the label isn't the experience. It's your interpretation of the experience.
Example:
You feel anxious.
That's the experience. A sensation in your body. Tightness. Racing thoughts. Shallow breath.
But then you label it:
"This is bad."
"I shouldn't feel this way."
"Something is wrong with me."
"I'm broken."
The anxiety wasn't the problem. The label was.
Without the label, anxiety is just... energy moving through you. Information. A signal.
With the label, it becomes proof that you're failing, broken, not enough.
What Happens When You Drop the Should
Imagine for a moment:
No should. No complaint. No label.
Just... what is.
You're tired.
Not "I shouldn't be tired." Not "I should be able to handle more." Not "being tired means I'm weak."
Just: tired.
And from that place of acceptance, not resignation, but clear-eyed presence, you can ask: What do I actually need?
Rest. Not guilt about resting. Just rest.
You feel anxious.
Not "I shouldn't be anxious." Not "anxiety means something's wrong with me."
Just: anxiety. Energy. Sensation. Information.
What is it telling you? What does it need?
Maybe grounding. Maybe breath. Maybe to complete a stress cycle. Maybe to set a boundary.
You can't hear what it's telling you when you're busy shoulding it away.
You want something different than what you have.
Not "I should be grateful for what I have." Not "wanting more is selfish."
Just: I want something different.
And from that honest place, you can discern: Is this a want I want to honor? Or is it a craving for something that won't actually serve me?
But you can't discern when you're drowning in shoulds.
The Practice of Presence Without Interpretation
This is one of the hardest, and most liberating, practices you can learn:
Experience without labeling. Presence without should.
Step 1: Notice the Should
You can't drop what you don't see.
Start paying attention to how often you should yourself:
"I should be..."
"I shouldn't feel..."
"This should be different..."
Just notice. Don't judge the should (that's just more shoulding). Just see it.
Step 2: Name What Actually Is
Underneath the should, what's the raw experience?
Not the interpretation. Not the story. The actual sensation, emotion, circumstance.
Should: "I shouldn't be this tired." What is: My body is tired.
Should: "I should be over this breakup by now." What is: I still feel sadness when I think about them.
Should: "I should be more grateful." What is: I feel dissatisfied with my current situation.
The truth is always simpler than the should.
Step 3: Drop the Label
When you notice yourself labeling an experience as good/bad, right/wrong: pause.
Can you experience it without the label?
Not deciding whether tiredness is good or bad. Just: tired.
Not deciding whether your desire is right or wrong. Just: wanting.
Not deciding whether your emotion is appropriate or not. Just: feeling.
The experience, without the story about the experience.
Step 4: Ask What's Needed (Not What Should Be)
From the place of clear presence, without should, without label, ask:
What does this situation/feeling/moment actually need?
Not what should be done. What's actually needed.
Sometimes the answer is rest. Sometimes it's action. Sometimes it's just to be felt and witnessed.
But you can only hear the real answer when you're not drowning in shoulds.
Step 5: Practice Non-Judgment
This doesn't mean you don't discern. It doesn't mean everything is fine or you never work for change.
It means you stop adding suffering to suffering.
You're anxious. That's hard enough. You don't need to also judge yourself for being anxious.
You're struggling. That's already difficult. You don't need to also shame yourself for struggling.
What is, is. Your judgment doesn't change it. It just makes it heavier.
The Freedom in Just Is
When you drop the should, complaint, and labels, even for a moment, something shifts.
You stop fighting reality.
Not because you're giving up. Because fighting what already is takes enormous energy and changes nothing. Acceptance, real acceptance, frees up that energy to respond rather than resist.
You reconnect with yourself.
When you stop shoulding your feelings away, you can finally hear what they're telling you. Your inner voice gets clearer because it's not being drowned out by all the shoulds.
You become present.
You can't be present with your life when you're constantly judging it as not enough, not right, not what it should be. Dropping the interpretation lets you actually experience what's here.
You find peace in imperfection.
Not because everything is perfect. But because you stop requiring perfection. What is, is. And that's allowed.
You reclaim your energy.
All the energy you were spending resisting, judging, shoulding; you get it back. You can use it for actual living instead of constant evaluation.
This is be-U-tiful.One Work
This practice of presence without interpretation is woven through every phase of this transformation.
The Cocoon Phase is where you start noticing your shoulds and learning to just be with what is, without needing to fix or change it yet.
Emergence Sessions is where you practice experiencing without labeling, feeling your feelings, hearing your body, being present with yourself as you are.
The Wingwork is where you maintain this practice even when life gets hard. When the shoulds try to return. When the old patterns of judgment and complaint try to reclaim you.
Becoming Her is living from this place, where you experience your life directly instead of through the filter of constant interpretation and should.
Start Here
This week, just notice.
How often do you should yourself?
How often do you complain about what shouldn't be instead of acknowledging what is?
How often do you label your experience as good/bad, right/wrong before you've even fully felt it?
Just notice. No judgment.
And once in a while, try this:
Drop the should. Drop the label. Just be with what is.
Not forever. Not perfectly. Just for a moment.
What if this moment, exactly as it is, is allowed?
Go Deeper
Learning to be present without interpretation is fundamental to reclaiming yourself.
The Cocoon Phase creates space to see your patterns of shoulding and judging clearly.
Emergence Sessions supports you in practicing presence and self-acceptance.
Explore the be-U-tiful.One journey
You've been shoulding yourself for so long.
What if you just... were?
Not what you should be. Not what you wish you were. Not what you think you're supposed to be.
Just what you are.
Right now. In this moment. Without label. Without judgment. Without should.
You. As is.
That's not resignation. That's not giving up.
That's the first breath of freedom.
With you in the becoming,
Dawn
be-U-tiful.One
Beauty not as approval, but as truth.